What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend??

Homeless!

Paddy's wife went to the doctor complaining that after 10 years of marriage she had never had an orgasm. The doctor advised her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex. Paddy refused to pay money for a fan and asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel while they made love, but still she didn't orgasm.

The next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over, and so Paddy's mate made love to her. After 20 minutes of the best mind blowing sex she'd ever had, she had her first orgasm. Paddy looked at his mate and said... 'and that, my friend, is how to flap a fucking towel'.

Will I Am's trousers.

Huge hands, big bollocks or just horrible trousers?

he's SHAT 'IMSELF

Sadly there aren't any Stephen Gately jokes which aren't homophobic so you'll have make do with these genuine comments from the BBC's Have Your Say page:

"hi like steve from boyzone and he is good and i like every one"
kerry jones, heath taonw

"I got up this morning and changed the chanel quickly and with a big suprise i was sat infrom of a picture of Stephan and the date underneath and i thought "what?!" i had to stop and think.
then it came to me that he had died, i was devistated. Rest Im Peace Stephan Gatly."
Tinisha, Bristol

"This morning i opened internet i saw the news boyzones singer has dies i 'm very shocked.i thought he was good singer in boyzones.i missed him."
tara gurung, nottingham

"i cant beleave came down da stairs dis morning and turned the tv on to the news channel to find out the weather for the day but the head lines said stevephen gately has died it is a shock to hear that such young man has lost his life but he has left a lot of memorys behind and he is the best singer as well and ronan dont talk hes hot hot but fear well to stevephen"
georgina

Bunch of retards.

I can't make understandings of what they are sayings

did u hear george micheal found a chocolate bar up his arse?

apparently it was a careless wispa.

Feeling glum as it's so dark and was pondering war earlier. Needed a cheer up, was cleaning out some old emails and came across a load of old Viz letters. Sorry if you've seen them before, but what the heck they still make me laugh, and I bet there's plently of people out there that haven't read them - exuse that some are dated. Enjoy:



If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing. Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem. Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm. Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford


I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good. S Prodnipple , Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh. D Antarctica , Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive. Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while. Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with. Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse : I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation. Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something. A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. Raymond

all my jokes are super offensive.

sorry

why did i just post that.

fail

this guy tells his mate he's got an awful pain in the butt. and the friend tells him he has piles and what kind've cream to use. the guy tries the cream but still has the awful pain. he runs into another friend who says no, creams don't work. he tells the guy to have a cuppa tea and then pack the leaves up his heiney like a poultice. the guy does it every day for a week. still in terrible pain he goes to his doc who tells him to drop his trousers and bend over. after looking up the guys keester he says 'yes you have piles. and i see that you're going to go on a long journey'

so i went to the doctor and said 'doc i keep thinking i'm a piece of bacon' the doc says ' ok, lean back'

this guy called the other day and said i want you to teach me the splits. ok i says, how flexible are you. the guy says well, i can make tuesday and thursday afternoons.