always remember to check the name!

"I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
Sincerely yours, R Benitez"

I love the fat slags. What's Viz?

a mate sent me a text claiming this was from The Guardian, so it's not my fault

Women are like public toilets, they're dirty if they're not disabled

Aha, where are you based then? Viz has been going years, but I've dipped in since the late 80's. This will give you all the info

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viz_(comic)

In my opinion the comic strips have gone off the boil in recent years, I can't even be arsed to read them, but the letters page is always fuckin' hilarious, well if you're as childish as I am

http://www.viz.co.uk/

There are so many I don't know where to start, but here's a few I can find from old emails, memory and guile...

They say find a penny and you'll have luck all day. Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador and whilst at work the other day I bent down to pick up a penny and was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.

A Matador, Spain


This consumer terrorism has gone too far. First it was staples in mars bars, then razor blades in baby food and then this morning whilst eating my cornflakes I almost choked to death on a small plastic dinosaur. How far will these callous people go before someone really gets hurt?

M Cabbage
Tunbridge Wells


My husband is a keen nudist, and he's forever accidentally stabbing his penis with his fork while cooking sausages on the bbq. To get over this problem, I now write the words 'your cock' on his penis and 'not your cock' on his sausages with a marker pen each time he lights the bbq.


On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me
like a princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got
completely pissed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at
120mph, killing me instantly.

- Mrs B. Essex.


The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese'
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

- John Sampson, Southampton.

and on it goes...

Hilarious collection of Viz letters. Only one I can remember without seeing the book:


Dear Sir

"Why is it farmers always insist in putting their gates in the muddiest part of their fields"

Here's a quick few to get you through the day, they all still make me cry with laughter, even though some are dated now. Enjoy.


Dear Sir...

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wifes growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd supporters?

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product.

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

etc, etc.

Ha ha ha!

a duck walks into a bar and asks..
Got any bread?
Barman says no
got any bread?
no
got any bread?
no
got any bread?
no we haven't got any bread you irritating bastard of a bird, ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar
got any nails?
no
got any bread.....

My local butcher's shop is so clean, you could eat a raw sausage directly out of the butcher's trouser pocket. I know this because I spotted my wife doing it in the back of his shop the other day and she seems to have suffered no ill effects.

I'm sick and tired of women droning on and on about the pain of childbirth when they have access to any amount of pain relief. Where was the nurse with the gas and air or the epidural needle when Andrew Skelfington kicked me in the balls with his big hobnail boots in the school changing rooms in 1978?

You often hear people say that "Blood is thicker than water". Well I've got both coming out of my arse right now, and to be perfectly honest I can't feel any difference.

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Not sure why i'm posting in this particular thread but just had to post somewhere. I've had an absolutely terrible weekend - everything was absolutely fine until this afternoon. My other half suggested we get a waterbed, so we did, and yes it's very comfortable indeed. Or was, anyway - after that we just sort of drifted apart.

Pure heat!!

I went into HMV the other day and asked if they had anything by The Doors.

'Yes mate, a magazine rack and the fire extinguisher'

My mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.



So I've killed his mum.

hahahahahaha

I went into the butchers yesterday and said "I bet you £50 that you can't reach the meat on the top shelf"

"nah" he said.

"the steaks are too high".